Underneath the Moon

Ballerina has taken this week harder than I thought she would. I thought maybe she would act out because things were different with me not around. Apparently, she has been just fine. When she was at her Grandma L's house she was very motherly towards Cpt. A and was a good girl. (these are some pictures Handsome Husband texted me)
The times that were hardest for her were when they would call for family prayer and I couldn't give her a hug and kiss goodnight. The first night she seemed fine, but shortly after being tucked in she started crying and I got a phone call with Ballerina on the other end crying and saying that she wanted to hug me. How helpless and desperate to be there I felt! I told her to hug Daddy and that she would see me soon and that I loved her. That it wasn't safe for me to be near her because of the medicine I had to take. Then I texted her a picture of me making the I Love You sign with my hand. When she saw it she said, "Oh, is that where Mommy is?" and she calmed down enough to go to bed. I think she was picturing me in a hospital bed, near death or something (think the movie Up). It was much more comforting to realize I was staying at Great-Grandma's.

Some nights she didn't seem too fazed. She would often tell me a few key things she did during the day, always starting with, "Mom, did you know?" And then she would say, "I love you in the moonlight." Which was her way of cuing me to sing "I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening and underneath the moon." (from skinnamarinky-dinky-dink) She seemed to really latch on to that song recently.

On Saturday Handsome Husband brought the kids by so I could see them, no touching. They all stayed in the van and I came over and spoke with them. Ballerina made me a necklace and both girls drew pictures for me. The girls were excited to show me their new Barbies that Ballerina had bought at a garage sale with her allowance money. One for her and one for Sweetie. I started crying when Cpt. Adorable smiled and WAVED at me, I was worried he had forgotten me. Both girls were concerned about my tears and I explained that I was crying because I was happy. Remember how you didn't understand when your mom first tried to explain that concept to you? Ha. That night I sang that "Underneath the Moon" song for Ballerina and she started to bawl. I had that same feeling of helplessness and a desire to be there and comfort her. She said she wanted to hug me (I wondered if seeing me earlier that day made it harder). I asked if Daddy was there and tried to explain that I would be home on Tuesday and I loved her and wished I could be there to hug her. She said, "I'm hugging you." Maybe she was hugging the phone?

Handsome Husband says after they hung up he tried to explain that I would be home in 3 days and she cried saying that I would only stay for two days and then I would have to leave again! She must have misunderstood when I said Tuesday! He explained that when I came home I would be staying. And she asked, "For forever?" And he said yes and he offered to give her a priesthood blessing of comfort and she said ok. Handsome Husband said that after the blessing Ballerina calmed down and told him that she wanted to repent because she was mean to Sweetie that day and that she wanted to be obedient and to be a good big sister. When he told me about that I felt that it was the Holy Ghost touching Ballerina's heart and helping give her a desire to be good. I am so proud of her, she is growing up.
I am so thankful that Handsome Husband has been able to be home this whole time so that she has had the anchor of having one parent always there, even if it's not the one she is used to.

Today my grandma took me, my mom and my aunt Abra out for a girls' lunch (I was allowed to eat out after 5 days and today was the 6th). When I dropped my mom off at home (so I could have the car for my Dr. appointment tomorrow) I got to see the kids again. No touching, of course. Ballerina drew me a picture of her and I and she put a sticker of a moon at the top of the page. Captain Adorable kicked and babbled and smiled at me. At first Sweetie didn't even want to come and see me. But then she ran down the hall with arms outstretched and I had to tell her I couldn't hug her until tomorrow. It was heart wrenching to see the expression on her face change from joy to confusion. I probably should have just hugged her, but I wanted to keep her safe. She tried to kiss me a couple of times, but settled for blowing kisses. I did hug Handsome Husband since his thyroid is much less at risk and I cried. I MISS him. I am so GLAD I will be able to GO HOME for good tomorrow! And there will be MANY HUGS.